Taylor Swift weilds a power unlike any other. Only she can direct the world’s superpowers to stop throwing sandwiches at federal agents and head to the nearest internet-enabled device to log onto www.taylorswift.com. Earlier today, Ms. Swift, showing off her terrifying ability to control humans en masse, turned her entire website into a mysterious countdown clock. Set for 12:12 A.M. E.S.T., Swift primed her faithful legion for a grand proclamation. What was so vital that she shut down Swift central to replace it with an orange glitter background? Was it a podcast? A new album? Well, if you were on the website at the time of expiration, it was to announce “504 Gateway Time-out.” Then, after several more refreshes, we had our answer: Taylor Swift’s 12th studio album, The Life Of A Showgirl, is ready for preorder.
She also brought the album to her boyfriend’s podcast, New Heights. In a clip posted to X, a website currently courting a lawsuit from Swift—why they still do business with that website is beyond us—Swift brought the album to show to Travis and Jason Kelce. The new episode of New Heights, which supposedly features Swift discussing the record, releases on Wednesday at 7 P.M. E.S.T.
Preorders are now up for each of the three forms that the Life Of A Showgirl shall assume. For $29.99, one can procure a vinyl copy of Showgirl, or for $19.99, one can buy the cassette, making it, by far, the most expensive cassette sold since 1987. Finally, a $12.99 CD and poster combo is available for the thriftiest members of her audience, and the ones in need of the most pristine audio fidelity.
However, the album still lacks cover art, track listing, and an official release date—no one knows how to drag out an album cycle quite like Swift. The album will ship before October 13, but the site notes that “this is not the release date, official release date to be announced.” Again, no one else knows how to wring every drop of marketing potential out of what will surely be a blockbuster album like her.
So say goodbye to The Tortured Poets Department because a new era begins with Showgirl. And to paraphrase a different showgirl, the great Nomi Malone, let’s hope it doesn’t suck.
