When you sign on for “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You,” there is no escape.
No matter how much you might want one.
This isn’t to say writer and director Mary Bronstein’s film, about the agonizing deterioration of a woman whose life is falling down around her in near-apocalyptic fashion, isn’t worth watching. It is, very much so. Rose Byrne’s gonzo portrayal of a woman over the edge is flat-out brilliant, the most powerful thing she’s done and one of the best performances of the year.
It’s just … a lot. It’s to Bronstein’s credit that her direction is relentless, her focus unwavering. She holds the fearless Byrne in tight closeup for a lot of her film; she can’t escape, either. Not from anyone or anything.
It’s to Byrne’s credit that as the pressure builds we don’t run screaming from the theater. She’s that compelling.
What is ‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ about?
The film opens with a closeup of Linda (Byrne); it’s a perspective we’ll grow to expect and dread. Her husband (Christian Slater) is out of town for weeks, leaving her to take care of their daughter (Delaney Quinn), who is suffering from a mysterious malady that isn’t getting any better. She can’t gain weight. What’s more, she’s tethered at night to a feeding tube, connected to a relentlessly beeping machine. Linda has to change out bags of liquid nourishment seemingly all night.
Her daughter’s doctor (Bronstein) is openly antagonistic and makes noises about a change in care, whatever that means. It can’t be good.
Linda is also a therapist — and a patient. Her therapist is played with an assured smoldering hostility by Conan O’Brien — yes, the former late-night host and “Simpsons” writing legend. At one point Linda asks why he doesn’t like her. It’s a fair question.
Oh, and there’s the hole. One night, after returning from the doctor, a flooded apartment floor leads to the ceiling collapsing, leaving a gaping hole. It’s ugly and it forces Linda and her daughter to a seedy motel.
But it’s more. It’s the maw that Linda stares into, is drawn into, cannot escape. It’s her life, her shortcomings, her frustrations, everything that is wrong embodied in one empty place.
Or maybe it’s just a hole. Depends on who you ask.
The movie becomes more surreal, and more nerve-wracking, as Linda spirals, making worse and worse decisions. There’s a running fight with the parking attendant at her daughter’s doctor’s office. Worse, one of her patients, a young mother (Danielle Macdonald) who is obsessed with the idea that she will harm her newborn son, goes to the bathroom during a session and never comes back, leaving the baby in the office. No one exactly falls all over themselves to help Linda find her.
Rose Byrne’s performance is flat-out brilliant
It just starts out as too much and gets worse from there. Linda seeks some solace in sneaking off to a little yard on the motel property to down a bottle of wine and smoke marijuana, while she leaves her daughter sleeping, carrying on a passive-aggressive frenemy relationship with James (A$AP Rocky), the motel manager. He’s the friend most of the time, while she’s the enemy.
Rose Byrne in ‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You.’
It sounds like a tough watch, and it is. I genuinely felt stress watching the movie, uneasy in my seat, dreading what might come next. But the film is also funny, in a jet-black humor kind of way. For instance, when Linda finally caves to her daughter’s incessant requests — demands — for a hamster, things go catastrophically wrong. It’s awful, terrible, so bad. And so funny.
Bronstein is good that way, giving the audience some pressure-relief valves. “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” would be unbearable without them.
Actually, that’s not true. Bryne’s performance is so brilliantly unhinged, such a thing of chaotic beauty, that the film would be worthy of study anyway. Bronstein makes it something more.
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‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ 4 stars
Great ★★★★★ Good ★★★★
Fair ★★★ Bad ★★ Bomb ★
Director: Mary Bronstein.
Cast: Rose Byrne, A$AP Rocky, Mary Bronstein.
Rating: R for language, some drug use and bloody images.
How to watch: In theaters Friday, Oct. 24.
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This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: ‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ spins out spectacularly
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