<\/p>\n
T<\/span>he Great British Bake Off is upon us once more, shipping a new fleet of enthusiastic bakers into the big tent for another round of slightly too ambitious bakes. In time, these bakers will become like a second family to their audience. But for now, it\u2019s fair to say, we have no clue who any of them are.<\/p>\n So, in time-honoured tradition, here\u2019s my predicted ranking of the 2025 Great British Bake Off intake. The usual qualifications apply: I am basing this solely on the imageless press release that Channel 4 sent out, plus in all the years I have been doing this I have never once been right about anything. You\u2019re welcome!<\/p>\n <\/span>Homemaker baker \u2026 Toby.<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n Toby works for a fitness startup, and uses his contestant biography to reveal that he is three years into a home renovation project that was scheduled to last just six months. This leads me to believe that he initially applied to appear on Grand Designs, and is only on Bake Off due to a catastrophic clerical error.<\/p>\n <\/span>Short, back and bake \u2026 Lesley.<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n It has to be said that Lesley sounds absolutely lovely in her biography. However, she is a hairdresser who insists on giving a slice of cake to all her customers. So now I am fixated on what a terrible hairy cakey biohazard her floor must be, which is why I have ranked her so poorly.<\/p>\n <\/span>Kitchen disco \u2026 Nadia<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n I\u2019ve been doing this for long enough to know a red flag when I see one, and Nadia is absolutely buried in them. Exhibit A: she is described as a \u201cchatterbox\u201d, which is code for \u201cannoying\u201d. Exhibit B: there are repeated mentions of her performing dance breaks, which is code for \u201cattention seeking\u201d. Exhibit C: like Lesley, she is a hairdresser, which is code for \u201cI, Stuart, am bald and need to take out my insecurities on someone.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/span>Raising his fame \u2026 Iain.<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n The big concern with a show such as Bake Off is that it has been around for so long that it tends to attract people so desperate for fame that their personas have solidified into rigid caricatures. Enter Iain, a powerlifting influencer who refers to himself as the Yeastie Boy. However, let me remind you that at the time of writing, I don\u2019t know what any of the contestants look like. If it turns out that Iain is big enough to beat me up, please ignore everything I just said and put him in the top three.<\/p>\n <\/span>Hobby crafter \u2026 Aaron.<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n Lots to worry about here. Aaron, who moved to London from Manchester four years ago, uses his contestant bio to make two controversial statements. One is to call himself The King of Hobbies, which makes him sound like a dilettante who never sticks with anything long enough to reach a point of basic competency. The second is that he refers to hotdogs as a snack, which genuinely beggars belief.<\/p>\n <\/span>Mixing it up \u2026 Leighton.<\/span> Photograph: Channel 4 \/ Love Productions<\/p>\n Leighton is a Welshman who lives in Surrey with his California husband and has a mathematical mind, which tends to be an advantage on a show like this. However, Leighton\u2019s bio also reveals that he specialises in a fusion style of baking that doesn\u2019t sound particularly delicious. One of his favourite dishes, for instance, is a victoria sponge with key lime pie filling. Honestly.<\/p>\n12. Toby, 29, Warwickshire<\/h2>\n
11. Lesley, 59, Kent<\/h2>\n
10. Nadia, 41, Liverpool<\/h2>\n
9. Iain, 29, Belfast<\/h2>\n
8. Aaron, 38, London<\/h2>\n
7. Leighton, 59, Surrey<\/h2>\n
6. Tom, 31, London<\/h2>\n