Keanu Reeves and Jonah Hill in ‘Outcome’ \u2014Courtesy of Apple TV<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Of all the movie stars you\u2019d expect to suffer an existential crisis, Keanu Reeves<\/a>\u2014chill, well adjusted, adorable\u2014would be last in line. He\u2019s clearly playing against type in Jonah Hill<\/a>\u2019s painfully unfunny Apple TV<\/a> movie Outcome, as a superstar nervously staging a post-drug-rehabilitation comeback and worried that, in his absence, the public has turned against him. Reeves\u2019 presence in any movie tends to be a sort of salve; even with bad material, he generally coasts by on his laid-back radiance<\/a>. But not even Reeves can put an adequate shine on Outcome, a satire that takes one spindly premise and grinds it down to a nub.<\/p>\n Reeves\u2019 Reef Hawk, we\u2019re told at the beginning of the film<\/a>, is the biggest and most beloved film star in the world, but having recently kicked a heroin habit, he\u2019s been out of the public eye for too long. Nervous about re-entry, he clings to his two oldest friends from high school, Kyle (Cameron Diaz<\/a>, saddled with idiotic dialogue that\u2019s beneath her) and Xander (Matt Bomer<\/a>, wasted as a cartoon airhead). They pump him with false confidence, though it may just be enough to get him through. Not so fast: Reef gets a call from his fixer, the wheeler-dealer lawyer Ira Slitz, played by Hill, who informs him that an unidentified someone has gained possession of a Reef Hawk sex tape, which will be released to the public unless the star ponies up a huge chunk of money. Ira instructs Reef on everything he must do to make this problem go away, beginning with apologizing to anyone he may have wronged in the past.<\/p>\n Reef has no memory of ever having had sex on camera, and he can\u2019t think of anyone who\u2019d hate him enough to launch such incriminating evidence into the world. Then again, there\u2019s a lot that, as a recovering addict, he can\u2019t remember from his darkest days. He begins a frantic search to locate and apologize to anyone he may have hurt, from his self-centered reality-star mother (Susan Lucci<\/a>), to his old girlfriend (Welker White<\/a>), who informs him outright that he\u2019s simply not a good person, to his former manager (Martin Scorsese<\/a>, in a cameo that almost manages to be affecting), who was unceremoniously kicked to the curb long ago. Reef listens to each story intently and earnestly; as Reef, Reeves is so straightforward, so sympathetic, that he undermines whatever is supposed to be funny about Outcome. There\u2019s no way you can believe that Reef, embodied by Keanu, could ever be that much of a jerk.<\/p>\n Keanu Reeves and Martin Scorsese<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Meanwhile, Hill grabs more than his share of the spotlight, steamrolling through every scene he\u2019s in\u2014and he\u2019s in way too many. In an early moment, Ira shows up at Reef\u2019s glamorous beachside house to discuss a crisis-management strategy, only to realize he needs to take a dump. He conducts the rest of the meeting from the can, and when Reef\u2019s smart-alecky assistant, played by Ivy Wolk<\/a>, is summoned to bring a softer roll of toilet paper than the one that\u2019s been provided, she comments evocatively on the aroma filling the room. Who writes stuff like this? The culprits are Hill and Ezra Woods, and even if the rest of the gags in Outcome are less crass, there\u2019s still little that\u2019s funny about them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n