The ‘Real Housewives of Miami’ Cold War Is in Full Swing

Are you a Carrie or a Samantha? Did you choose Piplup or Turtwig? Do you prefer Bratz or Barbie?

Life is full of choices that define the human experience in ways both big and small. That’s as true for The Real Housewives of Miami as it is for a kid in the Pokémon professor’s lab. Will you align yourself with Marysol Patton or Adriana de Moura? Two roads diverge on Miami Beach, and sorry, but you can’t travel both.

That’s the lesson our newest Housewife, Stephanie Shojaee, has learned less than a season into her run, as the puppets and all their masters attempt to grab her right by the strings. With every passing season, the Real Housewives franchise becomes more and more a game of Survivor, which might be why our Bravolebrities fare so well in The Traitors mansion. No one knows strategy better than a high school mean girl, even those of retirement age.

All those people who think these shows are nothing but fighting at classless events might be shocked to know that, while it’s exactly that on the surface, it’s truly a political structure more intricate than feeble minds could ever understand.

Sure, the episode begins as an extended ad for Virgin cruise lines, but it’s all just scene-setting for the confrontation to come. The ladies just had too much fun on Virgin’s one-of-a-kind cruise, complete with themed workouts and top-of-the-line dining, to focus on any rudimentary drama! #Ad.

Even Lisa and Larsa, who have spent the entire season at each other’s throats, are compelled to squash the beef while sipping some delicious, refreshing green drinks and popping on their sunglasses in sync. Women who slay together stay together. That’s the Virgin guarantee.

The cruise works its powers on Alexia and Stephanie, too. The frenemies find peace at Virgin’s premier sauna (I think that’s what it is? There’s some disco tile and a pipe on the wall, but like, it seems like a sauna…). Even though Alexia stands by her choice to ditch the private plane and calls Stephanie bossy, she wants the girlboss to know that it’s really Marysol who hates her. Alexia’s just indifferent!

Alexia’s all about saying the truth, whether it’s her truth or somebody else’s. Sometimes, even the puppet master has a string or two to tug, and Alexia’s had enough of fighting all Marysol’s battles for her while the PR maven hides in the shadows (and confessional booth). So, Stephanie and Alexia cry together over the fact they both hate their sisters, agreeing to drop this petty beef.

“Aww, I don’t talk to my sisters either!” Stephanie exclaims, giving Alexia a big ol’ hug and rejoicing in the fact she’s found another woman as abrasive as her.

Now, Stephanie understands her real enemy is Marysol, who’s livid the newbie had lunch with Adriana. My real enemy, on the other hand, is reality TV therapy scenes. Unless you’re putting together a fake gravestone to mourn your marriage, turn off the camera and see that doctor on your own time.

I’m so sorry to Guerdy, who is an incredibly sweet woman, but that six-minute solo scene that withstood an entire commercial break was about enough therapy footage for a lifetime. At least Tamra Judge’s tepid therapy scenes have Cheri Oteri doing costume work.

Luckily, our mojito-less counterparts have truly stepped up in the second half of the season, as Adriana and Marysol attempt to commandeer the cast from their opposing ends. For Adriana, who just turned 35 for the 25th time, that’s all about sitting on the sidelines to collect enough misfits to start an island. First, she picked up a wayward Lisa, before adopting an aimless Guerdy, and now, she looks to catch her biggest fish yet: Stephanie.

The disturbance in Marysol and Alexia’s once rock-solid alliance has given way to a major opening for Adriana, as Alexysol are too busy in-fighting to even notice. Marysol may hate Adriana, but she might just hate Todd Nepola more. The news that Alexia and Todd are still bumping uglies is an all hands on deck emergency for Marysol. She’ll worry about Stephanie later.

So, Adriana takes that opening to sit down with Stephanie, the newbie buttering her up with an offer to sing at the Shoma Bazaar Christmas party. Of course Stephanie would ask Adriana to perform! She loves supporting women, especially worldly culturistas like Gen Z starlet Adriana de Moura.

Adriana has been down lately, having lost her best friend Julia to the dark side, and turning the old age of 23, so she’s understandably in the dumps. But nothing cheers Adriana up like talking trash about Marysol. It’s chicken soup for the soul.

Marysol’s upset that they hit it off? “Oh no! That’s just terrible,” Adriana thinks with a big smile on her face.

“That’s very immature, actually,” she says. “That’s a very high schoooolllllll, you know, sorority type of situation.” And Adriana would know, given she just graduated a few months ago.

So the stage is set for the puppet master showdown… or so you’d think. Really, next week will take us to a Marysol and Stephanie duel as Adriana finally takes on Julia. Miami has an endless array of pawns, all eager and willing to fight the good fight. The professionals will save the true bloodbath for the reunion.

Will either lady emerge victorious, or will they continue to fight for the rest of time? That’s a question even the Bravo gods can’t quite answer.