Teen Witch is one of those movies so campy and light-hearted you can’t help but love it, no matter how objectively cringeworthy it is. Originally pitched as a gender-swapped version of Teen Wolf (yes, they tried that in 1989 too), it ended up becoming its own stand-alone film with a questionable legacy.
Not nearly raunchy enough to compete with the teen sex comedies of its time, the original script was watered down to earn a PG-13 rating and reach a wider audience. In that sense, it was a success because Teen Witch does have mass appeal. It’s just the kind of movie best roasted with friends while you face-palm through each musical number and misguided attempt at humor.
I want to hate Teen Witch, but I had way too much fun watching it.
This Isn’t How Real People Act
In Teen Witch, Louise Miller (Robyn Lively) is approaching her 16th birthday. She’s your typical awkward teen struggling to fit in. Her teacher, Mr. Weaver (Shelley Berman), reads her diary entries about her crush, Brad Powell (Dan Gauthier), to the class, publicly humiliating her. Louise’s best friend, Polly (Mandy Ingber), is equally unpopular, cementing their underdog friendship. Surely nothing will happen throughout Teen Witch that could possibly threaten this dynamic.
After nearly being hit by a car, Louise stumbles into the home of Madame Serena, played effortlessly by Zelda Rubinstein of Poltergeist fame. The eccentric seer tells Louise, who unknowingly descends from a long line of witches, that her powers will manifest on her upcoming birthday.
From there, Teen Witch lives up to its name. Louise turns her brother, Richie (Joshua Miller), into a dog, humiliates bullies with spells, and uses a voodoo doll to make Mr. Weaver strip naked in front of the class. When it occurs to her that she could cast a love spell to finally win Brad’s affection, she hesitates. She wants him to like her for who she is, not because of a magical cheat code.
Polly Gets Done Dirty
Now the most popular girl in school, Louise alienates Polly, but not before the two face off in a rap battle with Rhet (Noah Blake) and his fedora-wearing crew. Every song and dance number feels like a desperate attempt to appeal to the MTV generation, as Teen Witch awkwardly pops and locks through its premise.
As the story drags on, Teen Witch shifts from a coming-of-age tale to a glossy showcase of ‘80s fashion as Louise tries to win Brad over with her newfound confidence. Honestly, she should have just used the spell and saved everyone half an hour.
Perfect Film To Roast With Friends
At its core, Teen Witch is a low-stakes teen comedy that couldn’t exist outside the late ‘80s. The fashion is loud, the slang is dated, and everyone’s hair looks like it could take out a ceiling fan. The cliques are exaggerated to the point of absurdity, making it the cinematic version of what an out-of-touch parent probably imagined high school was like based on what they saw on TV.
Teen Witch is fun, campy, and overflowing with cheese from start to finish. If you’re into cult classics of this caliber, or just want something inoffensive to mock while your kids genuinely enjoy it, you can stream Teen Witch for free on Tubi right now.
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