Admit it, you didn’t think Alan Carr would make it past episode two of The Celebrity Traitors. He didn’t either. “How did this happen? I was awful at lying, I had no poker face, and here I am – the winner!” he spluttered. Carr’s desperately funny efforts to keep his Traitors identity under wraps were among the BBC show’s highlights, which brought a peak audience of 12 million to last night’s final, but there were plenty of other memorable moments to be enjoyed.
1. Nick Mohammed’s fatal misjudgment
Mohammed was the smartest contestant in the show… until the very end – Paul Chappells/BBC/Studio Lambert
Oh, Nick, how could you? To be the smartest contestant in the show from the very beginning, only to royally cock it up in the final by banishing Joe Marler and convincing himself that Alan was a Faithful. Joe’s crestfallen face will haunt his dreams.
2. Jonathan Ross’s exit
Ross bowed out of the series in superb style – Euan Cherry/BBC/Studio Lambert
It’s Jonathan Ross – he was never going to go quietly. Banished at the Round Table, Ross stepped up to give his exit speech and told the others: “I am now, and have been all through the game, completely faithful…” Eh? “…. to the Traitors!” Full marks for a dramatic final flourish.
3. Alan Carr’s big betrayal
Carr sealed the fate of his closest friend in the game – Euan Cherry/BBC/Studio Lambert
Is Paloma Faith back on speaking terms with her former friend yet? Tasked with murdering a player in plain sight by touching their face, Carr chose the only easy target. “I feel awful. I’ve gone and murdered one of my best friends!” he wailed to Jonathan Ross afterwards. It wasn’t long before he did it again, bumping off Celia Imrie by delivering the line: “Parting is such sweet sorrow, Celia.” His acting was as wooden as a sideboard, yet still the dumb Faithfuls didn’t rumble him.
4. Tom Daley’s side-eye
When Kate Garraway declared herself “flabbergasted” by Paloma’s untimely “death”, Tom Daley’s expression was a picture. He considered it to be wild over-acting and thus evidence of her guilt, although Alan pointed out: “You can’t accuse someone of being a Traitor just because they have a better vocabulary than you.”
5. Clare Balding’s blunder
Balding’s head girl energy was misdirected – Euan Cherry/BBC/Studio Lambert
The first task in episode one involved pushing/dragging a Trojan Horse up a hill, answering questions along the way to unlock a series of gates. Taking charge of proceedings with head girl energy, Balding managed to forget one of life’s most basic rules – always read the instructions carefully – and accidentally locked in an incorrect answer. The other players wondered if she was a Traitor out to sabotage the mission.
6. Alan Carr’s wobble
Carr: ‘I feel like a winner and a eunuch’ – Euan Cherry/BBC/Studio Lambert
In truth, this list could have been made up entirely of Alan Carr moments, but here was the funniest, as the comedian attempted to cross an Indiana Jones-style rope bridge while screaming his head off.
7. Stephen Fry’s logic
Fry developed a plausible theory around Cat Burns – Euan Cherry/BBC/Studio Lambert
The Faithful spent hours coming up with theories about who the Traitors might be – and occasionally got it right, as when Joe Marler correctly intuited that the producers had selected “big dog” Jonathan Ross – but mostly their ideas were based on nothing but vibes. Wrong vibes. Then Stephen Fry caught Cat Burns napping and it occurred to him that the Traitors would be sleepy because they are required to plot together late into the night. Nobody listened to him and she made it to the final.
8. Mark Bonnar’s rage
I’m slightly cheating here by taking a moment from The Traitors: Uncloaked podcast rather than the TV show itself, but it did go viral on social media and I can’t get enough of Mark Bonnar, so it’s allowed. The Scottish actor took the game very, very seriously, never more so than when he appeared on the podcast after his banishment and was handed a letter revealing the traitors’ identities. The clip captures one man’s emotional journey from burning fury to cold fury by way of bleak despair.
9. Celia Imrie’s wind
Credit: BBC One
Fifty years as an actress, a wonderfully varied career stretching from Miss Babs in Acorn Antiques to Goneril in King Lear at the Old Vic, and how will we remember Celia Imrie from this point onward? As the woman who passed wind on The Celebrity Traitors just as Claudia Winkleman was explaining the rules of the game. “I just farted. I’m so sorry. It’s nerves. But I always own up,” said Imrie, and let that be a lesson for us all.
The Celebrity Traitors is on BBC iPlayer
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