11 Expert Tips From Jemima Kirke

How do I deal with male-centered friends?

Be nice to them and get over your superiority complex.

I’m kinda uptight and I don’t think I’m a lot of fun. I’m shy and not spontaneous at all. I don’t have tons of friends and I would like to. I pressure myself to entertain people but don’t enjoy it. What do I do?

I used to be an enthusiastic host. I lived in a studio apartment with a jukebox and a pool table. Now I live in a mansion with an air purifier and cable TV. I love watching TV and apparently cable is a real asset because I’ll have these “TV parties” where one or two people will come over and we just sit there, passing around the clicker and grazing the airwaves together. Don’t subscribe to the type of fun that you think you should be having. Make a list of all the things you do like doing. It’s not easy because you probably can’t remember or aren’t even conscious of the things you enjoy. But they’re in there so take your time and get specific because these are the kinds of things you’re gonna start doing, with or without people. So what if you’re uptight and not spontaneous? Most people are. Most people are also shy and very few have lots of friends. Just the fact that you want to have fun and you know that this ain’t it tells me you’re probably more fun than the people you’re trying so hard to entertain.

I’m bad at greeting people in person. It’s uncomfortable. I never know what to go with and don’t love hugging and kissing people I barely know. But that’s what everyone else does. I get anxious right before and worry I’ll mess it up, so I end up making it even more awkward. Help.

There are several ways one can greet a person. Handshakes, kisses, waving, saluting, etc. (The half hug can feel quite hollow and perfunctory.) Whatever your preferred method is, be direct and execute with confidence. People will appreciate the leadership. I know a man who doesn’t shake hands or embrace but is warm and assertive about letting you know. My sister is a lip kisser. She aligns herself skillfully, confidently and will steady your face if she must. For farewells, I like to excuse myself to the bathroom or step outside for a cigarette and then just go home. In all instances, the offering is executed quickly and efficiently, and that’s all anyone really wants anyway.

What should I do for my birthday if I only have two friends?

Laser tag. It’s low-stakes war and a great workout. You can bring your friends if you want to, but I’d recommend getting in on someone else’s party or family outing. The anonymity allows you to feel no mercy.

I’m an alcoholic girl, functional and not ugly, but it’s clearly an issue to others. What do I do? I don’t want to give up drinking forever.

I think you mean to say that you are a functioning alcoholic, which refers to an alcoholic whose drinking doesn’t seem to affect their daily life, responsibilities and may even go undetected by others. Since you are clearly hammered. I’m going to guess you are an alcoholic who is functional enough to convey this message. I have no opinion on whether you should drink or not drink. But I do think that “forever” is one of those silly words used for dramatic effect by teens and drunk people. It’s rarely honest or rational, which is why it’s particularly handy in guarding against trying something new. I also know that if you do give up drinking, it’s unlikely something you’ll regret. Regardless of forever.

How do I stop being friends with someone?

Take them out to dinner and spend most of the night showing them your favorite Instagram Reels. Invite them over and insist on playing Cards Against Humanity. When you get invited somewhere, bring your other half presumptuously. In fact, think of every invite as having a plus-one. Send them text messages so long that they need to be tapped on and opened. Pour them a bowl of Lucky Charms and give them way too many marshmallows. Next time they share something personal, tell them it’s TMI. Use exclamation points in your text messages when you don’t even mean to yell. Ask them to AirDrop something to you.

Any conversational pet peeves?

I think we need to stop using the word “gaslight” for a while. It’s overused and therefore misused. Gaslighting is a pretty intense control tactic. But people are using the term in reference to self-defensively denying another person’s reality. Which is a fairly normal response to feeling misjudged or misperceived, regardless of who is right or wrong. But it’s not gaslighting. In order for a behavior to qualify as gaslighting, it has to be a conscious effort to conceal the truth by deliberately denying what is real. The only reason I even care is because I’m noticing a trend of eye rolls coming from men in particular, whenever the word gets used. And to me, a male eye roll is a serious cause for concern. So I vote to shelve the term for a time, whilst we recalibrate.

I’m having trouble deciding what career will be the most ideal for me. How do you make the decision in life to stop wasting time and start focusing on your purpose?

Ideal career? Wasting time? Focus? Purpose?! If you’re sitting around thinking about this with some amount of regularity it’s no wonder you don’t have friends. It’s not your fault. A lot of people don’t know how to have fun. Hanging out with friends, shooting the shit, eating lunch, going out dancing, and the like are kind of obsolete. No one is really shooting straight because if it’s not project-related then it’s at least somehow written into the “pick me” campaign agenda. Maybe you’ll get a cute photo out of it for your social media, align yourself with the crowd you’d like to be associated with, get some material for a play, make a new client, or bend someone’s ear about your idea for the play. Gone are the days when a good old-fashioned dry hump or winning a round of Gin Rummy were markers of a successful hang. Instead, we’re sprinting for our dreams and gunning for goals because greatness is the real MO. That’s why you’re too exhausted to just chill. You’re knocking items off of the to-do list so you can get back to finding your very own “purpose.” You tinker around your useless laboratory, racking your brain for the method, trying hard to focus on something. Anything that might hone the uniqueness. Then, suddenly, while you’re mapping out that ideal career, you remember, to your horror, that in order for your life to qualify as “well-lived,” you have to have some fun. Like, actual fun, like Mick Jagger or F. Scott Fitzgerald had. So you pencil in some time for non-work-related play time or “me-days.” That way you’ll have something to think about on your deathbed. Date pending.

Do you have any show-offs or party tricks?

Yes. I’ve met half of the hosts from the TCM channel and once I almost met Michael Jackson. I have the same birthday as Will Smith. I was suspended from art school twice. I am a diagnosed narcissist and some other things but that one really seems to rile up the crowd. As a kid, my family moved house seven times. I can build and stretch a beautiful canvas. I don’t do abdominal exercises because my muscles get too jacked and I scare off the boys. I used to steal artwork from the drying racks in school and present them to my parents as my own. It took me five times to pass my driver’s test. I have an uncle and aunt who are half my age and I keep a comprehensive spreadsheet of every movie I’ve ever seen and every movie I want to see. It’s organized by decade but I’m currently reorganizing by director.