Alex Casey charts a history of famous faces braving one of Aotearoa’s most enduring attractions.
It wasn’t the subject line that captured my attention – “EMBARGOED: Shotover Jet turns 60!” – but a humble bullet point within the PR email: “Over the decades, the famous red boats have carried a remarkable mix of passengers – from Hollywood stars to Kiwi legends and even royalty.” As a nosey parker with a penchant for celebrities gracing our shores, I used my journalistic nous (replied) to obtain a dossier of simply staggering names and photographs.
Now, I’ve never done the Shotover Jet myself because I am far too much of a wimp, but I have read my fair share of Google reviews about it, which is basically the same thing. “Pure adrenaline from the first splash to the last spin,” wrote one fan. “It’s the 360 degrees gravity defying turns that makes the ride so thrilling,” said another. There were many mentions of exhilaration, squeals, splashes, and one particularly bold promise that stood out: “you won’t get scared at all.”
Keeping this mantra in mind, I perused the photographic evidence put in front of me and soon realised what I had to do. Please enjoy this history of celebrities on the Shotover Jet over the last 60 years, ranked from least to most shit-scared.
15. Hugh Jackman and Liev Shrieber, 2008
We begin with this exceptional display of lupine confidence from the X-Men Origins: Wolverine stars. Liev Shrieber might have one hand still secretly clutching on for dear life, but it is Hugh Jackman’s hands-free, double peace sign pose that easily wins them the title of “least shit-scared” in this ranking. Top the look off with a lifejacket, a pair of Morpheus glasses and mutton chops, and I could really see this one taking off for Halloween 2025.
14. Sir Peter Blake, 1995
Rock my red socks right off the dock because this has got to be the most composed anyone has ever looked, anywhere, at any time. But would we expect anything less from the man who led New Zealand to two America’s Cup victories? Look at those golden locks cascading to one side like a bloody Pantene commercial. Look at that completely unbothered wave, fingers as evenly-spaced and perfectly straight as someone laying down prints outside the Chinese Theatre. Look at that knowing smirk. This is a man who knows water. This is a man who could not be further from shit-scared.
13. Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, 2008
A classic one-hander straight out of the book of Blake here. Notice how the airborne strands of hair create the illusion of a crown? Queen of composure, Dame of our hearts – they tried to scare her and she simply said sopraNO.
12. Peter Jackson, 2018
I know what you’re thinking: another day, another unbothered Sir with the one-handed wave. But look closer and you’ll notice small signals of distress on display. Jackson toes a very fine line between a smile and a grimace, his eyes appear closed, and his free hand is much more askew and gnarled than we’ve just seen from other members of his ordained Fellowship. As a wise man once said: it’s a dangerous business, going out your door.
11. Ian McKellen, 2011
If we can stay in Middle Earth for just a moment more, I’d like to also share this relatively inconclusive image of Sir Ian McKellen. Yes, he looks extremely composed, but the water around him is simply too calm to accurately compare fear-levels to his predecessors. One thing is for sure though: that arm “shall not pass” through that sleeve.
10. John Key, 2011
OK, Teflon John! Talk to me when you’re actually in the rapids, and please confirm or deny whether or not you were blasting ‘Lose Yourself’ while this image was being taken.
9. America Ferrera, 2010
Hold onto your teeth, because we now enter the open-mouth portion of the ranking. Actress America Ferrera may have had the confidence to raise one arm to the skies, but her gaping maw is giving Sisterhood of the Travelling (Soiled) Pants.
8. Brooke Shields, 1995
In the very same year that she starred in a film called Running Wild, Brooke Shields ran wild herself in Aotearoa, perhaps celebrating her 30th birthday with some thrilling tourism. She’s channeling her fellow ’95-er Sir Peter Blake with those windswept locks, but the total absence of a wave suggests Shields is holding on mighty tight to avoid ending up in the “Blue Lagoon”. The needle is teetering, ever closer, to shit-scared.
7. Prince William and Princess Catherine, 2014
They might not seem that scared in isolation, but its the fellow passengers who really put Wills and Kate to shame here. Quite a feat to have the man second in line to rule the British Empire onboard, and yet all I want to know is… what’s the deal with the chill guy doing the thumbs up and why is he wearing a full suit?
6. Queen Elizabeth II, 1990
Speaking of yellow-bellied royals, I present to you Queen Elizabeth II pursing her lips somewhere near the Shotover Jet in 1990. A real missed opportunity to not get a royal wave on that rapids, and we must simply chalk it up to shit-scaredness.
5. George Lucas, 2005
I’m sorry to throw off the methodology with another land-based entry, but I just had to chuck in this great image of George Lucas looking extremely trepidatious among his goofy pals. Now there is a man who has a very bad feeling about this.
4. Kenny Rogers, 2005
What a thrill to have not one but two amazing angles on Kenny Rogers during his visit in 2005. That face may be smiling but look at that shit-scared white-knuckle grip: a coward of the county through and through.
3. Ed Sheeran, 2016
The face and hair of a man so stressed out that it is no surprise he planned a series of surprise attacks on the whole country as revenge.
2. Ben Harper and Laura Dern, 2009
First of all, who knew that these two were ever married?! Second of all, how shit-scared are they?! A once “Wild at Heart” Laura Dern is absolutely cowering in fear, and Ben Harper appears to be filming everything on his four megapixel phone purely for insurance purposes. Is it a coincidence that they did the Shotover Jet in 2009, and the same year the New Zealand-loving singer told local media that his residency application was “on hold”? I think not.
1. Justin Bieber, 2017
We began with Shrieber and we must end with Bieber. Where prior trips to Aotearoa have seen the singer locked in a room with Drew Ne’emia, robbed of his precious hat and baptised with L&P, 2017 was marred with much more moodiness. When he wasn’t “looking miserable and bored and like he’d literally rather be anywhere else” on stage, he was looking miserable and bored and like he’d literally rather be anywhere else on the white water rapids at 85km/h.
“Bieber appeared disinterested,” NZ Herald reported of this wild ride. “He continued to stare off to the side as one of the other boat patrons snapped photos with his camera phone.” An eerie image that transcends shit-scaredness and reaches a whole new depth of emotion entirely. Five stars.
‘ The preceding article may include information circulated by third parties ’
‘ Some details of this article were extracted from the following source thespinoff.co.nz ’
