They have cup holders at the multiplex. But as yet, they have not installed Kleenex holders.
That might have been a good idea once it was clear that director Josh Boone was going to helm another adaptation of a popular YA novel, this time “Regretting You” by Colleen Hoover. As fans may recall, Boone’s “The Fault in Our Stars” sent millions of overactive tear ducts and sniffly noses into overdrive. It would have been good to have a whole box of tissues at hand.
Of course, that story was about not only about teen love but teen cancer. It was hard not to cry just thinking about it, let alone seeing it. “Regretting You,” a tragicomic intergenerational romance adapted by Susan McMartin, has its share of grief. But the strange way the tears give way to smiles, quips and then full-on rom-com corniness feels a little awkward — and then just weird and annoying. It’s a two-Kleenex ride, at most — definitely not the whole box.
Allison Williams and Dave Franco play Morgan and Jonah, and when we first meet them in high school, they have definite chemistry (they also look like they’re around 30, despite some de-aging). But Jonah’s dating Morgan’s sister Jenny, and Morgan is with Jonah’s buddy Chris. This prelude, at a teen gathering on the beach, introduces us to the quartet but also informs us of Morgan’s unexpected pregnancy, which she’s just discovered in a convenience store restroom.
“How did we end up with our exact opposites?” Jonah asks on the beach, as hunky Chris parties and gets drunk, along with Morgan’s fun-loving sister.
And then 17 years later, we meet the foursome again. We’re more than a little disappointed to know that the couples remained intact — sort of. Did Morgan REALLY marry the boyfriend who told her on the beach that she was more fun when drunk? Yes, Morgan married Chris. And sister Jenny is with Jonah (bespectacled and dark and twisty, as Meredith Grey might say) — but only because a one-night stand has led to a baby, which they’re co-parenting.
Then there’s the other baby — Morgan’s daughter Clara (Mckenna Grace), about to turn 17, lovely, smart and aiming for drama school. There’s some conflict with her mother about this ambition, though like so much here, it really doesn’t ring true that Morgan, as portrayed by the always-appealing Williams, would oppose such a thing. But whatever. Who are we to question the stuff between teen daughters and their moms, right?
Then Miller turns up. Known as the coolest guy in school (believable) but also a slightly sketchy sort (not believable), Miller, played sweetly by Mason Thames, enters Clara’s life when he hitches a ride with her. She knows he has a girlfriend, but is smitten. Theirs is a rocky road to love. Kidding! Only a few pesky pebbles stand in the way, seemingly meant to take up pages in a meandering script. (He breaks up with the girlfriend. He reunites with the girlfriend! He breaks up with the girlfriend again. He’s a little angry! He’s fine again.)
But back to the main event: Everyone is coexisting with a minimum of turbulence … until tragedy happens, leaving a jagged streak of grief that cuts across the family.
Hoover’s readers will know what we’re talking about. So, partial spoiler alert: An accident cuts down the character list. And throws every single relationship into turmoil.
It’s hard to discuss much of this without further spoilers, but let’s just say we have the requisite zigs and zags but literally no real suspense. Along the way, the wittiest moment is when Jonah’s baby finds himself on a shopping cart in the supermarket wedged between large bottles of white wine, with which Morgan is self-medicating. Speaking of medication, one assumes the cheery line, “Acetaminophen always helps!” was written before it became a political statement.
Last year’s adaptation of Hoover’s “It Ends With Us,” directed by Justin Baldoni as you may have heard, was a big hit, and so expectations have been considerable for “Regretting You.” There are some sweet kisses (otherwise, it’s very chaste) and some nice declarations of motherly devotion (credit to Williams for doing her best) but the cheese factor is regretfully high. And the whole thing ends with a wrap-it-all-up scene so corny, I literally felt myself blush in the darkness of the multiplex.
If there had been a box of Kleenex beside me rather than a Diet Coke, I would have covered my eyes.
“Regretting You,” a Paramount Pictures release, has been rated PG-13 “for sexual content, teen drug and alcohol use, and brief strong language.” Running time: 117 minutes. One and a half stars out of four.
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