The “Melania” Reviews Are Out And They’re Friggin’ Brutal

The reviews are out for Melania, and they are BRUTAL.

The Guardian gave it 1/5 stars, saying, “two hours of Melania feels like pure, endless hell.”

Critic Xan Brooks says, “It’s dispiriting, it’s deadly and it’s spectacularly unrevealing.”

The Independent’s Nick Hilton also gave it 1/5 stars, writing, “First Lady is a preening, scowling void of pure nothingness in this ghastly bit of propaganda.”

And compares it to vape smoke from British teens: “To call Melania vapid would do a disservice to the plumes of florid vape smoke that linger around British teenagers.”

Variety chief correspondent Daniel D’Addario says, “Melania is primarily a film about a woman walking into and out of rooms.”

Adding, “Put the film on the pile with Trump University and Trump Steaks and the law-firm and university shakedowns and all the other money-spinning endeavors as evidence of this family’s eagerness to make a buck.”

The Daily Beast’s Kevin Fallon calls it an “unbelievable abomination of filmmaking.”

He asks, “Why was no one standing outside the cinema where I made the brave decision to attend the first opening-day screening of the Melania documentary, offering me a selection of ‘I Survived the Melania Movie’ novelty t-shirts for purchase? Or, perhaps, a lil’ mug?”

The Decider’s Jesse Hassenger calls it, “A disingenuous documentary that misfires by mistaking the first lady’s fame for star quality.”

Adding “It’s just a bunch of footage.”

He says, “Even diehard Trump fans might be bored by the documentary about the first lady.

And lastly, BuzzFeed’s (very own) Natasha Jokic calls it “the worst movie I’ve ever seen.”

This part sums it up best: “Last night, I left an empty chickpea can on my counter. When I came back 30 minutes later, small, black bugs had swarmed the tin and were crawling over my sink. I would rather relive that moment a hundred times over than have to watch another minute of the movie Melania.”