Saturday Night Live‘s season 51 premiere kicked off with Donald Trump and his Federal Communications Commission attack dog warning cast members not to go too far with their jokes—or face the consequences.
Trump (James Austin Johnson) began by interrupting Secretary of Defense and former Fox News host Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost) instructing high-ranking members of the military on some new rules.
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“No fatties, no facial hair, no body hair. Just hot, shredded, hairless men who are definitely not gay,” Hegseth said. “Because this is serious. We are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known, and we all know what that threat is.”
“Late night TV!” Trump answered, referring to FCC Chairman Brendan Carr’s pressure last month on ABC and parent company Disney over Jimmy Kimmel’s comments about the killing of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk.
“I’m just here keeping an eye on SNL making sure they don’t do anything too mean about me. They better be careful. I know late night TV like the back of my hands; not looking great right now!” he said, revealing the all-too common smear of non-matching makeup on the back of his right hand.
After roasting the show’s beginning—”we all know they were never going to let [Jost] do the whole opening by himself”—Trump said of the Weekend Update co-host: “I thought he would be with his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.”
“That’s sad. We love the Saudis because they like to ‘saw these’ journalists in half,” Trump joked, amid Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle and other comedians receiving criticism for taking money to perform in a nation with a dismal human rights record. “That’s the kind of thing that would kill over there.”
Trump then addressed another big development since the season 50 finale in May: the contents of a creepy 2003 birthday letter to eventual sex offender Jeffrey Epstein that The Wall Street Journal reported was from Trump, but which he (dubiously) denies writing.
“All right, Colin, those Spirit Airlines jokes aren’t going to write themselves. Bye,” Trump said, shooing him away. “Oh, and Colin: ‘May every day be another wonderful secret.’ That was a quote from a poem I wrote to a horrible man I’ve never met before.”
“But here we are, SNL season 51. Should have called it at 50, right?” Trump continued. “It’s so sad to see something get old and confused yet still demand constant attention. Oh, well. But they better be on their best behavior, otherwise they’re going to have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC, Brandon Carr.”
“It’s actually ‘Brendan,’ sir,” said Carr (Mikey Day).
“It’s crazy that you think I care,” Trump replied.
“Well, I had a great summer,” Trump concluded. “I took a little vacation time for golf and travel and stroke. Kidding! Or not. We’ll never know, will we?”
“I ended every war, except the two main ones still happening and more vicious than ever,” he added. “Now starting a new war in Venezuela soon.”
That one will be paid for, he explained, “with my scams.”
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