‘With Love, Meghan’ proves Markle just can’t win

Meghan Markle can’t win — and it’s her own fault.

After years of crying wolf about palace life, burning bridges with the royal family and angling to reposition herself as a Hollywood tastemaker, the Duchess of Sussex is trying to play the lifestyle game.

The problem? She’s not very good at it.

Her Netflix series, “With Love, Meghan,” was supposed to cement her as the next Gwyneth Paltrow. Instead, it reveals the paradox of her brand: Sincere viewers find her out of touch; for people who just want a guilty pleasure, she’s so earnest it’s dead boring

The second season of the show, which dropped this week, follows Markle as she hosts friends and celebrity guests in Montecito, California, where she lives with Prince Harry and their children, Archie, 6, and Lilibet, 4.

A sampling of reviews: “Boring.” “Tone deaf.” “Self-indulgent.”

The set features a wide-open farmhouse-style kitchen with white cabinets, an oversized butcher-block island and natural light. The only problem? None of it belongs to Markle. Instead, she rented a nearby multi-million-dollar estate set on five verdant acres.

So much for showing us who she really is.

Former “Suits” actress Markle relies on star power — not her own — to woo viewers, including chefs David Chang, José Andrés and Samin Nosrat; pastry queen Christina Tosi; spiritual guru and podcaster Jay Shetty; fashion designer Tan France; and model Chrissy Teigen, who also happens to be Markle’s former “Deal Or No Deal.”

But instead of letting them shine, Markle always plays the expert, dominating the action with a hand frother in one hand and a smug, steamrolling smile on her face. 

Recipes whiz by at lightning speed, too complicated to replicate at home, but, thanks to the magic of editing, Markle miraculously nails every attempt. Sourdough? Perfect. Coconut macaroons? Perfect. Jewelry made from pressed flowers? Perfect. (Should you want to try it yourself, there are instructions on Netflix’s website. You’ll need resin tape, UV light and at least 24 hours to make a necklace from flowers you microwaved in a nine-step process.)

But here’s the catch: Even if Meghan leaned into a messier side, it wouldn’t work. If she was seen burning the bread or botching the pressed flowers, critics would still roast her.

That’s because Markle’s “authenticity” has become so suspect that showing flaws would be seen as just another act. She’s backed herself into a corner where every move rings hollow.

The duchess, desperate to rewrite her story, has alienated most viewers. With bridges burned on every shore, she’s now stranded on an island of her own making.

“With Love, Meghan” is essentially one long Instagram video of garden porn meets (borrowed) farmhouse chic. There’s no emotional connection — and also none of the winking camp that made Paltrow’s ridiculous “The Goop Lab” series a fun lark.

Markle doesn’t seem interested in taking creative swings as much as reminding the world that she can do everything flawlessly (with a small army of help in the background) and fronting a sanitized lifestyle brand, As Ever, that, so far, has proven too small-batch and random to give Martha Stewart a run for her money.

The irony is that, by playing it safe, Markle has made herself unwatchable. She’s chasing Goop’s empire without grasping that Paltrow’s secret weapon is her sly awareness that she is selling an outlandish fantasy.

The smartest move would be to take a long break. But judging by her track record, Markle’s appetite for the spotlight is insatiable. Brace yourself: “With Love, Meghan: Holiday Celebration” is reportedly on the Netflix slate for December.