‘Young Washington’ review: Meh George Washington origin story fails to inspire

During a 1755 battle in “Young Washington,” future U.S. president George Washington dangerously runs toward the enemy French and their Native American allies alone and clutching a gun.

“He’s making himself a target,” a stunned fellow soldier says.

Parts of that depiction of early heroism are shown in slow motion, almost like “Captain America,” in director Jon Erwin’s movie, and the music swells. It’s the textbook formula for goosebumps. And yet I defy you to feel anything while watching it. 

Although so-so “Young Washington” fulfils its baseline promise — Look! Washington! While young! — it doesn’t accomplish much more than that. The film succeeds in neither humanizing him nor deifying him, and so the Revolutionary War hero comes across as strangely milquetoast. He’s a striver, sure, but here he’s not an especially exciting or extraordinary one. 

What the founder?! Stories about far less appreciated American history heroes such as HBO’s “John Adams” miniseries with Paul Giamatti and the Broadway musical “Hamilton” have ably proved what singular and inspiring figures those men were. “Hamilton” still packs ‘em in nightly, and it’s about the father of the treasury.

Next to them, the mythic Washington would seem a no-brainer. But this is a rudimentary tale, if an accurate and informative one, of ascendancy without edge or energy and with out-of-sync performances from just about everybody. 

None more so than the title whippersnapper. Model and occasional actor William Franklyn-Miller plays a George with a skincare routine. He’s a lowly tenant farmer who dreams of being an officer in the British army. Virginia-born George is meant to be the earthy colonial contrast to all the prissy and entitled Brits around him. However, you wouldn’t know that from the actor’s “huh? whaaa?” air of casual bemusement. 

Franklyn-Miller is CW modern. He could sign his letters “xoxo George.” And it’s a big stretch to believe him as a scrappy 18th Century worker who infrequently bathes. 

Meanwhile his fellow actors Kelsey Grammer, Ben Kingsley, Andy Serkis and Mary-Louise Parker unconvincingly strain to exist in the past. Serkis, as Edward Braddock, really hams it up, not that the pageant-like script does him or his overacting colleagues any favors. I doubt he’ll ever call “Young Washington” “my precious.”

The story starts with George’s tragic childhood, as his older half brother Lawrence educates him after their dad dies. Twelve years later, despite his ethic and efforts, he’s still looked down upon by the ruling elite. 

“To be a British officer you must first be a gentleman,” he’s scoldingly told off.

But, a smartie, he asks the Lt. Governor of Virginia Robert Dinwiddie, haughtily played by Ben Kingsley, if he could lead an expedition to the Ohio River Valley to boot the French off their land. Nobody else wants to do it. Fine, Dinwiddie says, but he must use a volunteer militia — not professionals.

“An army of outlaws, debtors, slaves and, uh, patriots,” jokes his friend. There are a lot of lines here delivered with a wink, knowing a little too well the greatness that’s in store for Washington.     

Erwin does a fine job with the beginning battles of the French and Indian War. They’re not epic, but they’re not supposed to be. The smaller clashes are laying the groundwork for how Washington will later win the Revolutionary War — by rejecting ostentatiousness in favor of surprise. And who doesn’t like a line of lads loading and shooting muskets? 

Unfortunately the film fights better than it feels. Erwin devotes a good amount of screentime to Washington’s romance with Sally Fairfax, and it’s all stiffer than a redcoat. The same is true of his frigid relationship with his mom Mary (Parker).

George proves himself gradually to his effete doubters while suffering the occasional setback. You know, a few hundred casualties here and there. In the last scene, he gets a well-deserved promotion and changes his outfit from red to blue in a typical origin story nod to what’s to come.

What the movie lacks is a clear moment when we collectively know that George is going to be the guy. A scene with real chills. In that sense it’s the viewer who feels ambushed… by disappointment.  

I’m sure this review will upset some history buffs. But, readers, I cannot tell a lie!