Rapping is like tennis or babysitting my awful nephew. It might look easy, but it’s extremely difficult and takes an incredible amount of skill and practice. Despite the obvious curve, plenty of famous faces have stepped into the arena of rap and have given it the old college try… To mixed results. Because it’s quarantine and there’s nothing else for me to do—I already mentioned I can’t babysit my nephew for shit—here are 10 celebrities you forgot tried to rap.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
A decade before he won an Oscar for Joker and became 2Pac for incels, Joaquin Phoenix attempted a rap career… Kind of? In 2009, Phoenix had a “public meltdown” where he quit acting, let himself balloon into a homeless Zach Galifianakis, and decided to become a rapper. It turns out it was a Sacha Baron Cohen-esque hoax, documented in his mockumentary I’m Still Here. Think Borat but with more #BARZ and depression.
WAS HE GOOD?
No, but that was part of the bit. If Phoenix were good, the hoax would have backfired, and I’m Still Here would have been an inspiring tale about a man discovering his true gift as a wordsmith.
STEVE-O
You read that correctly. Steve-O of Jackass tried his hand at rapping. (For the record, Jackass: Number Two is hands down the greatest piece of cinema of the 21st century, and I will happily die on this hill.) He released a mixtape entitled The Dumbest Asshole In Hip Hop hosted by none other than DJ Whoo Kid.
WAS HE GOOD?
I love Steve-O as much as the next manic white dude who grew up in the mid-2000s, but no. Fingers crossed for him to finally make Jackass 4 like the streets have been demanding, though.
WAYNE BRADY
Yes, that’s right. Wayne Brady, aka the only improv comedian on Earth who isn’t annoying as fuck, can spit with the best of ‘em. On multiple occasions, the Whose Line Is It Anyway performer has done the 5 Fingers Of Death Freestyle on Sway In The Morning. And every time… He kills it?!
WAS HE GOOD?
I guess his improvisational comedy skills translate into freestyle rapping because: YES. Bad news for all up-and-coming MC’s on Earth. If you’re an aspiring rapper on SoundCloud, it’s hard to sleep at night knowing that Wayne Brady can out-rap you.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
A comedy legend who got no respect, Rodney Dangerfield released a rap album entitled… Yup, you guessed it, Rappin Rodney. I arguably love Rodney Dangerfield more than my entire family, so revisiting this tragic chapter of his career was nothing short of heart-shattering. Just skimming the Rappin Rodney Wikipedia page was more upsetting than every COVID-19 news story combined. Even writing the words Rappin Rodney makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I feel like I’m pissing on Dangerfield’s grave just by reminding people of this album.
WAS HE GOOD?
… I don’t wanna talk about it.
MR. T
In 1984, Mr. T starred in a motivational VHS movie for kids titled Be Somebody… Or Be Somebody’s Fool! where he used the power of hip-hop to teach the youth of America. He rapped educational tunes like “Treat Your Mother Right,” a song that was basically the polar opposite of “Cleanin’ Out My Closet.”
WAS HE GOOD?
It doesn’t matter. What does matter is T taught us to say “No” to drugs and exposed us to the dangers of peer pressure. Priceless.
JOHN CENA
WWE star/actor/Greek god John Cena once utilized a rapper persona in his wrestling career. He would rap before his matches, dissing his opponents; it was like 8 Mile for toddlers and rednecks. He even released an entire rap album called You Can’t See Me.
WAS HE GOOD?
You Can’t See Me resembles the feeling of getting hit in the face with a chair.
RON JEREMY
I’m not gonna tell you who Ron Jeremy is because you already know, stop pretending you don’t, ya goddamn perv. In 1995, this infamous, well-endowed hedgehog committed a war crime when he released the rap song called “Freak Of The Week.” I promise I’m not happy about this, either.
WAS HE GOOD?
After building a career out of doing disgusting things on camera, this song is unintentionally the most disgusting thing he has ever done.
JAY PHAROAH
The comedian of SNL fame has also dabbled in hip-hop. Not in a Lil Dicky/Lonely Island way; he wasn’t doing a bit. In 2016 he dropped a few tracks and teased a mixtape called Phornication (I really hope that title was a bit, but I guess we’ll never know.)
WAS HE GOOD?
Phornication, much like the women chained up in Ted Cruz’ “other room,” was never released. But Pharoah is actually a great rapper. He’s also combined his penchant for rhymes with his skills as an impressionist by freestyling as different rappers.
TOM GREEN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc-INN_BC74
Speaking of comedians not named Donald Glover that can rap, the iconic Canadian—Is there any other type of Canadian?—Tom Green has a little-known history in hip-hop. He was part of a rap group named Organized Rhyme and performed under the alias MC Bones.
WAS HE GOOD?
Believe it or not… yeah. Shockingly good. If Tom spent more time in the studio and less time focusing his creative energy on Freddy Got Fingered, the world would be a much better place.
THE 1985 CHICAGO BEARS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XtDqZUl7Bk
On December 3, 1985, a historic day that will forever live in infamy, the Chicago Bears released the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” A whopping seven minutes long, every bear took a turn on the mic and vomited piles of dizzying bars over a bonkers beat, with lyrics about their dominance on the field. America as we knew it was never the same.
WERE THEY GOOD?
It was—and I cannot stress this enough, or else our Chicago-based EIC will fire me—the greatest song of all time.
‘ The preceding article may include information circulated by third parties ’
‘ Some details of this article were extracted from the following source djbooth.net ’
