Nikki Glaser’s cut Golden Globes jokes are savage works of art

Nikki Glaser isn’t done taking jabs at the celebrities who were at the 2026 Golden Globes.

The comedian returned to host the event on Sunday night for the second time, kicking off the show with an opening monologue full of enough zingers for a celebrity roast. But there were several jokes that, naturally, fell onto the cutting room floor.

Glaser fired off a few of those cut jokes while appearing on “The Howard Stern Show” on Tuesday, and nobody was safe, including everyone from Julia Roberts to Jeff Goldblum. She also had a bunch more leveled at Sean Penn.

Here are some of Glaser’s spicier jokes that got cut:

“Sean Penn is nominated tonight, I’m assuming for best neck veins?”
“Leo (DiCaprio), why are you always squinting? I mean, I assume it’s to read your girlfriend’s ID. Just making sure that the year starts with a 2.”
“Julia Roberts is nominated for ‘After The Hunt.’ I don’t know what it’s about but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it?”
“Jonathan Bailey is here. Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ by People Magazine and at first I was like, ‘Do we really need to say openly?’ and then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, we do.’”
“Jeff Goldblum is here tonight, not because he is nominated. Just because they were shooting an ad for Apartments.com down the street and he just kind of wandered in. Jeff doing ads for Apartments.com is hilarious. You haven’t lived in apartments since you were a fly.”
“’One Battle After Another’ had so many incredible performances. Chase Infiniti is nominated for best actress tonight and Chase Infiniti is her real name. And this is true; if you apply now, you can earn 5% cash back on all travel booked through her through the end of the year, so get on that. It is a great deal.”
“‘Pluribus’ is nominated. Did you guys know that Pluribus is Latin for I haven’t seen it?”
“I just saw Sean Penn and maybe he’s taking ‘The Substance’ wrong?”