Tamra Judge is no stranger to stoking the flames around her, often engulfing her castmates in an inextinguishable cloud as she sneaks out the fire escape. But The Real Housewives of Orange County have grown wiser, or, at least, hardened in the face of cynical strategy and unrepentant attacks.
The cast may have ousted Katie, whose only appearance in this week’s episode is in the taglines, but that was only the beginning. You have to squash Blooper and Shy Guy before moving on up to Bowser, after all. Thus, The Real Housewives of Orange County battle royale has begun… in Temecula, of all places. This was never an extravagant franchise.
Tamra has launched an apology tour more audacious than ever before, hoisting some of her biggest foes on an overnight getaway in the name of friendship. Having squashed the beef with Tamra’s OC Wedding star Gretchen Rossi and settled the score with Jenn, Tamra has high hopes to start anew with Shannon.
Naturally, that means Tamra immediately turns around to Emily and says Shannon was “a hot mess” when she invited her on the trip.
“Her hair was sticking up, her boobs were spilling out her shirt,” she giddily tells Emily, proving she’s eager to return to the friendship she and Shannon had before. Historically, that dynamic was Tamra telling anyone who would listen that Shannon’s an unwell alcoholic who only Tamra can satiate, so, it really is par for the course.
That’s the thing about Tamra. She’s a fantastic TV star. She’s the blueprint of a Real Housewife. She’s… a creature of habit, and her castmates have just about figured out her gameplay. Sure, she pseudo-squashed Katie before turning the blame of “Naked Wasted” onto Gretchen, but she’s already left one cast trip kicking and screaming. She’s not the infallible villain she once was.
Thus, Gina, Jenn, and Shannon go to Temecula with their guards up, ready to turn on a dime the second Tamra slips up. Considering Tamra shows up to the trip with a self-help book entitled “How to Not be a Miserable Cow” to give to Shannon, she failed on arrival. As if Shannon has ever tried to help herself with anything but some lemons in a bowl and a liquid enema.
Despite the odds, Tamra offers Shannon the primary bedroom and keeps shouting “Shannon likes me now!” in hopes she can manipulate her friend’s goldfish memory, while pretending Shannon snotting all over her while riding motorcars is cute and funny.
And just when Tamra thinks she’s making true progress, the “fatty photo” rears its ugly head. Bundled up in her Burlington Coat Factory fur, Gina spins the narrative of the photo, once again, assigning the “fatty photo” moniker to Heather, when in fact, Gina’s the one who first called it that.
Heather, for her part, said it’s “not like she was fat or anything” because she knows a thing or two about bad optics. That’s exactly why she’ll flip on a dime at the reunion, given Gina’s gotten very big for her britches this season. Thinking she can turn Heather and Tamra against each other despite their blood bond? Please.
Meanwhile, across town, Emily also attempts to sow distrust between the dynamic duo, telling Heather she thinks she’s scared of Tamra. As Heather rightfully points out, she was the only one who went head-to-head with Tamra in the wake of the New Orleans meltdown, whereas Gina and Emily got on their knees and started licking the Judge’s messy boots.
Is Heather scared of Tamra, or does she just like having an evil accomplice? What happened to autonomy? Why is it so hard for so many people to accept that this friendship is far more than a rudimentary alliance? It’s about maximizing power in the group. Everything is political in this world, even (and especially) reality TV.
Gina and Emily understood that too, jumping alliances and branding themselves as an impenetrable duo to the detriment of the show as they amass their own capital. Maybe, just maybe, they’re finally flying too close to the sun…
After all, Gina’s attempt to stir the pot lands more than just Tamra in hot water. The “fatty photo” conversation resurfaces at dinner, and finally, the facade surrounding Tamra’s apology tour falls apart. She couldn’t even make it 12 hours.
“What else do you want me to say? I’m telling you ‘I’m sorry!’. What else do you want: blood!?” Tamra squeals at Jenn, inadvertently awakening the beast that is Shannon Storms Beador as the episode comes to an explosive end.
“Okay, you know what Tamra? You don’t want to take accountability for what you do. You go low! You go so low when you’re mad! And we all need to say, ‘It’s okay. Tamra can go low, ’cause that’s just who she is,’” she says, proving Shannon’s not quite ready to kiss and make up, now or ever. Of course, this is the same Shannon who told Vicki Gunvalson “I will never, ever speak to you again” and condemned Katie for crimes worse than Alexis Bellino, so take it with whichever grain of salt you prefer.
And just before Tamra succumbs to the entire weight of the pile-on, she shifts some rubble onto Gina, who had just said she worries about Shannon’s drinking. In the wicked world of the Real Housewives, all you have to do is distract your foes long enough to find a new line of attack. Perhaps a Gina vs. Shannon feud is on the horizon, but either way, Tamra’s looking to exit the building right as it goes up in flames. Will anyone survive?
Truth be told, the entire cast could be decimated and Heather Dubrow’s unidentifiable corpse would still be asserting she never called the paparazzi. The random extra playing “totally coincidental paparazzo” on this week’s episode should snag an Emmy for Outstanding Guest Star in a Drama Series. Looks like all Heather’s improv work with the Groundlings is paying off.
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