I Rewatched Black Swan For The First Time In Years, And I Never Realized Just How Scarily Much I Connected To This Thriller Film

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You know how there’s always that one film that you never think is going to become one of your all-time favorites, but then it sweeps the rug from under you and suddenly it’s all you can think about? Yeah, that was me with Black Swan when I was a kid.

While the film is certainly not a new one on the 2025 movie schedule, it’s one that I have revisited in the past – and have decided to again this year, in honor of its fifteenth anniversary. They’re even re-releasing it for a limited time in theaters on August 21st and 24th.

It’s really been years since I’ve seen this film, and I have to admit that I’ve changed a lot from the last time I watched it. While it’s certainly still one of the best psychological thrillers of the previous few decades, I started to notice just how much I…felt strongly about this film, and the fact that it dug deeper into my mind than ever before. Let’s talk about it.

Black Swan Has Always Been One Of My Favorites

Before I get into this, I’m going to be honest and say Black Swan is one of my favorite films, and it has been for a long time. I genuinely believe that this is one of Natalie Portman’s best films and, not only that, I think it’s also one of Darron Aronofsky’s best movies as well.

I still remember the first time that I watched it, which, to be honest, I probably shouldn’t have, because when this film came out, I wasn’t even thirteen yet. But, I was home alone, and I was going through my parents’ DVD collection, and found it. I’d heard super great things, so I decided to watch.

I’m pretty sure it altered my brain chemistry in a way that cannot be undone, even now, fifteen years later.

I was obviously stunned by the dancing because, wow, I had never seen such beautiful ballet at the time. The bigger pull this film had on me was through the story, how it showed the beauty and madness of perfection. I don’t think it quite connected as much in my head as a pre-teen, but I knew this was a film for the ages.

Now, rewatching it in my twenties…something just…clicked.

I Never Realized Just How Much I Connected To Nina Until Now

So, for those who need a refresher, Nina is the main character. Played by Natalie Portman, the film follows the story of a ballerina who strives for perfection every day as she competes to become the prima ballerina and have the spotlight on her during a production of Swan Lake at Lincoln Center.

The film overall, without any context of the themes we dive into, is already something up my alley as someone who loves the best dance movies and the best modern musicals, anything that has anything to do with music and dance is an instant win in my book. Upon rewatching this film, I only started to realize that now…I connect a lot more with Nina. Like…to a point where I’m a little concerned.

Alright, so maybe it’s not scary and I’m overreacting a little, but truthfully, that’s how I felt as the film progressed. I felt for her as the young one of the group, trying to prove herself constantly to those who felt better, looked better, and performed better than her.

I felt that constant doubt that always dragged her down. Sure, I never went as far as she did with vices in order to deal with them, as we see her slip further and further as the film goes on. The voice in the back of your mind, though, that says you aren’t good enough, to the point where it feels like you’re fighting yourself? That’s real. That’s raw. And it’s the truth.

The Idea Of Trying To Reach Perfection So Much That It Hurts You Is Harrowing

Truthfully, the Black Swan ending haunts me to this day. It did not necessarily sit super well with me back then, and it’s one that still doesn’t today. I think back then it was because I was a little freaked out by the blood and the slow fade of her life after she dove off the stage – little me wasn’t seasoned by the best horror movies yet.

Now it sits with me because I feel, in a way, we have all experienced this – or, at the very least, I have. Maybe not to this extent, where I’m literally bleeding out on the ground because I strived for perfection so hard. But there have been plenty of times that I have felt like I have physically harmed myself because I am doing far too much, for far too little and with barely any gains for my own life, all because I’m trying to be perfect.

I could think of a million examples from my life. One would be trying to perfect my knife skills as a home chef because I have a passion for cooking, the best cooking channels, all those baking shows, and more. One day, I was going too fast with a knife, and I ended up in the emergency room needing stitches for my thumb, because I wanted to be quicker and more efficient behind the counter.

Another example would be me with tennis. While I am not a sports star at all, I enjoy the best sports movies and the occasional romp on the court. There was a time, though, when I was obsessed with becoming good at the sport because my boyfriend had played for years. However, I went too hard one day, took a bad turn, and partially ripped through four tendons in my foot. I was lucky I didn’t need surgery after, but the recovery process felt nearly impossible.

Striving for perfection is persistently the producer of my pain, and this movie made me come to that conclusion.

The Slow Deterioration Of The Mind Feels Reflective Of Modern-Day Perfectionism With Me

This is another thing that many people who watch this film can now relate to. Again, I’m hoping that no one is experiencing the intense mental decline that Nina experiences in the movie because no one deserves that. The way her mind deteriorates because of her need for perfection feels a little too close to home nowadays.

I mean, think about it. We live in a social age. There are so many people online who are constantly trying to put up the best picture on Instagram, the best reel on Facebook, the best video on TikTok, but we don’t know the person behind the screen. We only see what they want us to.

Truth be told, there is so much we don’t know about the feelings and the minds of those who constantly put their life on a stage for people to see. Oftentimes, they might be going through something despite an image of perfection they present, and I think it’s really up to us to discern that.

I’ve done that. I’m sure millions of others have as well. This film shows how you never really know what someone is going through until you look behind the screen.

It’s Honestly Kind Of Concerning That I’ve Felt This Way, And I Wonder If Others Do Too

Okay, maybe concerning isn’t the right word, but it’s…interesting. A part of me has wondered why I’ve felt this way about this film for years, and it’s peculiar that watching it now, years later, is what truly opened it up to me.

I’ve been striving to be perfect all my life. While I don’t think I am or ever will be, this movie was a harrowing reminder that I need to stop working so hard to be perfect. It’s okay to take a break and breathe when it feels like things are getting out of control. We can try to pick up a load of sand as much as we want, but at the end of the day, if nothing is holding it together, the grains will slip through our fingers every time.

If we keep trying to be perfect with nothing helping us, then we’re nothing but grains of sand, trying to stay together fruitlessly. Shockingly, this movie made me realize that. It makes me wonder who else has gone through this as well, and if others connect just as much to Nina as I have. Well…only time will tell.