Kim Kardashian’s New Legal Series Debuted With 0% On Rotten Tomatoes, So I Watched It To See How Bad It Is

Note: This post is an Op-Ed and shares the author’s personal views.

Listen, like a moth to a garbage flame, I am drawn to terrible television. Call it pathological masochism or bad taste, but when I saw that Hulu’s new show All’s Fair debuted with 0% on Rotten Tomatoes (it currently has a whopping 5%), I knew I had to see it.

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If you’ve never heard of All’s Fair, it’s a new Ryan Murphy series about an all-female divorce firm. Notably, the cast is stacked: Kim Kardashian, Naomi Watts, Niecy Nash-Betts, Teyana Taylor, Glenn Close, and Sarah Paulson (to name a few).

So I (bravely) took on the task of watching the first three episodes of All’s Fair. Now, you might be thinking, “Wouldn’t just the pilot be sufficient?” I mean, yes, probably. But I am a professional*!

*This is a lie. I accidentally watched the third episode first. I know.

Let’s start with the obvious question: Can Kim act? Well, she says pretty much every line with the same deadpan delivery, including moments when she is in tears or shock. Disappear into the role, she does not. Her eyebrows stay frozen on her face the same way a picture frame stays on the wall.

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Sure, much of the dialogue handed to the cast isn’t great. A client’s ex is described as owning “cosmetics, like, all of cosmetics.” Niecy Nash-Betts’s character quotes Confucius. Glenn Close says, “You want to know my secret for staying young? Keeping up with all of you” — and may as well have started winking at the camera.

And yes, though my grasp of the law may be tenuous at best, I could point to the fact that I’m fairly sure some of these lawyers’ actions would constitute extortion. A partner wouldn’t personally trail someone for a client. I mean, I could endlessly poke holes in the script, directing, acting, staging, wardrobe, setting, score (you get the idea). But would you criticize a Picasso for not being realistic? (IDK, that’s not my job.)

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The series equates female empowerment with materialism in a way that is vaguely insulting. But the part of my brain that wrote that sentence needs to enjoy a snooze. This show is the mental equivalent of being in your pajamas and ordering Domino’s pizza at 3 p.m. I’m not doing it every day! Let’s stare at the pretty diamonds while my tongue hangs out my mouth!

Most of the topics are transparently absurd (filler injections around the vagina are a topic of conversation) or standard soap opera froth (MANY affairs). This show could have been a tighter, campy comedy, but Ryan Murphy is seemingly too far gone on the hamster wheel of churning out streaming series.

That’s not to say that I didn’t have a genuine chuckle at moments. A divorce settlement meeting includes a slide where anal beads are compared to a traffic cone for scale. Sarah Paulson is a stressed-out maniac who speaks in insults and takes every scene she’s in. Jessica Simpson’s plot as the ex-wife pressured into botched plastic surgery is compelling.

This is prosthetics, to be clear!

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Plus, there’s the wardrobe, which can best be described as Selling Sunset on steroids. Two of my personal favorites were Kim dressed as a sexy Dune character to visit someone’s house, and a suit where she has her ass out at work.

Hulu

To conclude, in my humble opinion, the show’s weekly release schedule does it no favors. This show is made to be binged in an afternoon, followed by a vague sense of guilt. Is it trash? Yes. But in this age of smartphones, streaming, and short form, are we not all raccoons?

The first three episodes of All’s Fair are available for streaming on Hulu.

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