The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is a black hole of entertainment

I realized something was genuinely wrong with The Super Mario Galaxy Movie about 30 minutes in: I hadn’t laughed even once. My audience of around 15 people, including a few families, was dead silent as well. The guy sitting behind me, a Nintendo fan decked out in Mario gear, was so bored he fell asleep. Sure, this is made for kids, but as a Nintendo devotee myself, and someone who has to watch a ton of children’s films on repeat, even the Despicable Me films are more entertaining.

To be fair, there’s the pretense of a plot: Koopa Jr. and Peach are on parallel tracks to reconnect with a sense of family, in their own ways. But the movie leaps from scene to scene joylessly, with no sense of storytelling or characterization, glued together by the “oh I remember that guy”-ness of empty corporate nostalgia. It’s even less of a movie than the previous Pratt-led popcorn flick.

Take the discovery of Yoshi, which takes place early in the film. Mario and Luigi just find him in a cave and he immediately becomes part of the crew, no questions asked. There’s a brief creative sequence where Yoshi wreaks havoc in the real world, but it’s far too short. Yoshi’s got plot duties to fulfill, after all! He’s the perfect sidekick, with no desires of his own and the bare minimum of characterization (thanks to Donald Glover’s voice, oddly enough. Dude’s got range!)

I argued that the first Mario film felt a bit too safe, but at least it had a few moments to shine: Like an early side-scrolling sequence, and Jack Black’s endearingly musical take on Koopa. The only truly inventive sequence in this movie involves Star Fox’s Fox McCloud, voiced with just the right dose of attitude by current Hollywood “it guy” Glen Powell. He briefly recounts his story in anime form, and yes, he does a barrel roll or two.

Now it doesn’t make much sense why Fox is actually in the film, but a few half-hearted fight sequences throughout makes it seem like Nintendo is setting up an eventual Avengers-style Smash Bros. movie. What better way to cram in even more characters and references! Isn’t that what franchise filmmaking is all about?

I’d like to think Nintendo and its collaborators can do better. This is a company known for the thoughtfulness of its game designs, for delivering quirky and inventive player experiences and for not always following the competition. None of that applies to The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. There’s little in the way of creativity. It barely respects the audience’s time. And it is, in every sense, just following the More, Louder, Busier playbook for unfocused franchise sequels.

The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is so soulless, it makes me worried about the upcoming Legend of Zelda film (which at least has a far more respectable creative team). Sure, it’s hard to expect genuine cinema from a Mario film. But we live in an era of great kids movies – Pixar’s Hoppers was an absolute hoot wrapped in an environmentalist message; The Lego Movie (and its sequel and side stories) manage to deliver both laughs and heart. Kids deserve better than an empty sequel moneygrab.