‘I had my doubts about Celebrity Traitors

When it comes to TV programmes, I’m not one for buying into the hype and the hysteria. I’ve been burned too many times. The finale of BBC One’s all-conquering The Celebrity Traitors feels different, though.

It’s undoubtedly the TV show of the year, and tonight will surely be the TV event of the year. It’s been a long time since the final of a telly contest has been so eagerly awaited by so many people.

With apologies to anyone reading this who was born after 1990, I reckon you might need to go back to the Will Young vs Gareth Gates Pop Idol final of 2002 to find something that compares to what we’re experiencing now.

People are cancelling events or cutting nights out short just so they can be “back home in time for The Celebrity Traitors final.” Meanwhile, pubs and clubs are running large screenings of the final like it’s some kind of massive World Cup match.

The thing that really told me how massive a deal it is, though, was the BBC publicity department’s response to my mundane request to be allowed to watch the final early in order to be able to post my review bang on the full-time whistle: “Sorry, we’re treating it as a live final. No previews.”

As far as I can recall, the last time the BBC’s gatekeepers adopted that kind of approach was when we found out who shot Phil Mitchell in EastEnders — and that was over two decades ago!

Obviously, in the skullduggerous spirit of Traitors, I will be keeping a close eye on some of my fellow critics — and one or two well-placed podcasters — from 10.10 p.m. tonight to see whether I’ve been had over by the Beeb. Anything substantial drops before 10.30, and I riot.

To be honest, the frenzied security seems a little over the top, given that this entire series was all recorded months ago and literally hundreds of people will already know who’s won. I can understand why the BBC’s PR bods don’t want to risk any accidental leaks or intentional mischief at this stage, though. They simply don’t want things spoiled for what looks like being the biggest TV audience of the year.

If the consolidated figures for the previous episodes are anything to go by, we could be looking at a live figure of well over ten million viewers for the climax tonight. Well, you’d have to be either unbelievably foolish or incredibly well-disciplined to even risk not watching it live.

The Celebrity Traitors’ final five. (BBC/Studio Lambert/Euan Cherry)

At last count, The Celebrity Traitors was pulling in almost twice the ratings of its nearest challenger, Strictly Come Dancing. Not that you’ll hear the BBC shouting about that, of course. Wouldn’t want anyone looking too closely at Strictly’s diminishing figures and speculating about its long-term future right now, would we?

Not that I’m really that surprised by the amazing ratings. When I first saw that star-studded cast list, I figured the producers would have to get things badly wrong for it to flop. What I am surprised by is just how much I have got into the show. I even dressed up as Alan Carr for Halloween. And I’m someone who NEVER dresses up for Halloween.

To be fair, it wasn’t much of a stretch: a cheap green cloak, an extra-large pair of 3D cinema glasses with the lenses removed, a colourful shirt, and a dab of waterproof eyeliner to black a tooth out.

If I’m being completely honest, I was actually secretly delighted when the BBC blocked my preview request. It means I can now sit down and watch it live with my family tonight.

Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr and Cat Burns murdered Lucy Beaumont face-to-face on Celebrity Traitors. (BBC/Studio Lambert/Euan Cherry)

That’s a rare thing in the modern world. It’s also, I think, one of the reasons The Celebrity Traitors has been such an all-encompassing success.

In our house, the usual two-sentence discourse around current viewing — “What are you watching?” “Oh, just something on TikTok” — has been replaced by whoops and hollers while The Celebrity Traitors is on, followed by a full CSI debrief once the episode has finished.

I don’t want to get too sentimental, kids, but TV was regularly like this back when we were young. One episode of your favourite show could sustain you for days. In my wilder flights of fancy, I even like to imagine that The Celebrity Traitors has proved those good times are not lost forever.

Which is funny, because when it was first announced, I was dead against the idea. I feared the celebs would make it all about themselves and play up rather than play the game properly.

Two things proved me wrong. Firstly, I realised that unless your showbiz ego is utterly out of control, the format does not allow you to be a show-off. So well done to the casting team for rooting out any potential divas at the application stage.

The cast of The Celebrity Traitors was an embarrassment of riches for the BBC. (BBC/Studio Lambert/Cody Burridge/Artwork – BBC Creative)

Then arch Traitor Alan Carr totally shafted one of his supposed real-life friends at the earliest opportunity. The dramatic murder of Paloma Faith was the moment I realised that the game was very much on.

And it has remained fully on throughout, with the brilliant Traitor work of Alan, Jonathan Ross, and Cat Burns matched only by the utter uselessness of the Faithfuls. Honestly, at one point, I genuinely believed the three Traitors could turn up for the Round Table in their cloaks and still not get voted out. There’s even an argument to say that Jonathan was only dispatched because Alan and Cat spotted the banishment bus and duly threw him under it.

In terms of the gameplay, The Celebrity Traitors has been every bit as enthralling as the civilian version. When it comes to entertainment, the celeb version has, unsurprisingly, had the edge.

Interestingly, the non-entertainers such as Charlotte Church, Celia Imrie (so much more than that memorable fart, by the way) and Joe Marler have shone just as much as gag merchants like Alan and Jonathan.

Alan Carr, Cat Burns, David Olusoga, Nick Mohammed, and Joe Marler are the finalists of The Celebrity Traitors. (BBC/Studio Lambert/Paul Chappells)

The presence of celebrities has also added another dimension to the Traitors experience for fans. Many of the contestants are active on the podcast circuit that the juicy content has continued to arrive long after the murders and banishments.

My favourite post-show storyline so far is the alleged showbiz feud between Alan and Paloma, during which Alan brought us this particularly memorable defence of his actions: “I’m the Traitor. The show’s called The Traitors. It’s like going on Naked Attraction and going, ‘What? I have to take my knickers off?’. You know, it does what it says on the tin.”

Whatever happens tonight, there’s no doubt Alan Carr has been the big winner. If the BBC had any sense, it would be lobbying his agent hard right now regarding a presenting vacancy in a certain ballroom. Pretty much all the contestants have had their reputations enhanced by taking part, though. You would imagine that might make casting the next series a lot easier.

That’s good news for the Celebrity Traitors production team, of course. Unfortunately, not such good news for the bookers on all the other celebrity shows.

Jonathan Ross, Alan Carr and Cat Burns murdered Lucy Beaumont face-to-face on Celebrity Traitors. (BBC/Studio Lambert/Euan Cherry)

I mean, why would any big name sign up for four exhausting months of ballroom dancing or a month of rough living in the Australian bush when they could lark around in a gorgeous castle in Scotland with Claudia Winkleman and some showbiz pals for two weeks instead?

You only have to look at the recently released cast lists for Celebrity Masterchef and The Celebrity Apprentice to see how thin the pool is these days. That’s the only ‘but’ I’m harbouring where Celebrity Traitors is concerned.

It could be argued that as this first series has been so brilliant all round, it’s difficult to see how it could ever be equalled — never mind topped.

I’ll save my full wishlist for another day, but, to give you a flavour, I’m thinking we need the Ricky Gervais, Meghan Markle and David and Victoria Beckham end of the market.

Mind you, I’d be just as happy with David and Victoria Mitchell.

Either way, no pressure, guys.

PS. Alan Carr to win tonight. Obviously.

The Celebrity Traitors finale airs on BBC One at 9pm, and streams on BBC iPlayer