One of the Most Scandalous Real Housewives Seasons Ever Comes to an End

So much has happened at The Real Housewives of Miami reunion that we’ve essentially reached the epilogue. After an Earth-shattering affair scandal wreaked unthinkable havoc on Episode 2, it’s almost like the ladies thought to themselves, “Well, I guess our problems aren’t that deep.”

There are only two ways to proceed from chaos, after all. You can either unleash even more and risk sending the whole thing into orbit, or you can step back in search of levity. We’ve dealt with the big stuff. Time to talk about Lisa’s dead dad.

After all, before Haitian morticians with a coffee penchant ever came to be, these ladies were well-acquainted with the dead. Remember when Lisa was taking selfies with an embalmed corpse while Larsa bopped around different events insinuating Lisa’s boyfriend was on coke? Ah, the simple times.

Look, everybody grieves differently and Lisa knows her dad would want her to shine. Sending that photo of him was her star-making moment of the season. It was really the least he could do for her.

Mind you, nobody asked Lisa how she was doing after her father died. That’s despite the fact she threw a party in honor of the death of Alexia’s mother a few years prior, which Alexia didn’t even attend… nor did the event make it on air. But that’s proof Lisa does nice things, apparently. Lisa gives and gives, and she just wants Gina from Providence, Rhode Island to get off her jock for two seconds.

As for Alexia, well she wants Lisa to put a pin in it: “Enough is enough. Like, you’ve been talking…”. I concur.

Someone should make a spreadsheet of every quip Alexia made this reunion. The best was probably when Julia and Adriana were debating an alleged encounter in Seville “in that little room,” and Alexia tossed out: “It was actually a big room. We had a suite.” She’s fighting the allegations Bravo mistreats Miami, one hotel room at a time.

And maybe, just maybe, the stone-cold dismissal of Lisa’s pity party was the push she needed to get over her feud with Larsa. Suddenly, the two are hugging it out backstage while neglecting to admit any wrongdoing, a stunning truce that might last two whole episodes. It’s called friendship and love. The Real Housewives of Miami really is the only Housewives show where half the reunion happens behind-the-scenes. I think that’s beautiful.

Meanwhile, Adriana tosses off the affair allegations to return to her tried-and-true roots: “Do you think it’s easy to age?”

It’s kind of inspiring that, after the entire season has aired and the ratchet/wretched conversation has gone in 20 different directions, Adriana is still so fervent in painting herself as the victim of a birthday cake crime. Marysol is out here getting stunt surgery because Adriana called her old and bony, and even that does nothing to shift the narrative.

What else? Oh, Guerdy shares a Cinderella story of her isolating immigration experience, one that Andy does his absolute best to tie to her feud with Julia, while Julia shares once again that her kids maybe only kind of hate her. Progress!

This really is a “secrets revealed” reunion episode, stuffing everything left into one whiplash-heavy episode. The concept of Marysol having hired a private investigator to run Dr. Nicole off the show and earn back her mojito is given about 30 seconds of screentime, somehow.

I’d actually like to circle back to that telenovela. It’s very “cast member left the show for a new role so we write her out off-screen in an incredulous way.” Like, you’re telling me Nicole was scared Marysol would put a hit out on her? Okay, Izzie Stevens.

Alas, we keep on pushing to a related issue: Marysol’s puppet mastery. It’s so funny how Larsa defends her by admitting that Marysol’s perspective was Stephanie would be an unshakeable Alexysol ally, and she short-circuited when Boss Baby showed some scruples of her own.

We just plow on through Marysol’s greatest hits, from allegedly running Nicole off the road to sending Stephanie every negative article about her just to be like, “Wow, everybody hates you! Hugs and kisses, Marysol.” Maybe I like her, after all!

And next thing you know, we’re giving some final thoughts, everyone toasting to a future as though the room didn’t burn down hours before.

My final thoughts are this: This episode could have been dead air and it’d all be OK given the absolute insanity we witnessed last week. It’s pretty hilarious that these women can expose a Housewife-on-Housewife affair in the middle of a reunion and it’s just a blip on the radar a few hours later. It’s as though it never happened.

But it did, and it was beautiful. Who knows where The Real Housewives of Miami goes next? Perhaps this is the conclusion of Julia’s story; it certainly seems to be Guerdy’s swan song, but it’s impossible to predict the road ahead in Miami. All we can do is revel in another great season, and remember what really matters: Alexia’s room was actually a suite.